In January 2019 I wrote a blog post about our struggles with infertility. Below is my original post I titled, “Tired of Trying.” There were several reasons why I did not publish the post at the time and I sometimes regret that I didn’t. It’s one thing, to be honest, and vulnerable in the moment and say, “we are struggling.” I wanted to publish this post so I wouldn’t feel alone and let others know they are not alone. Here is our story…
Tired of Trying
I think the first thing to address is YES we are trying. I thought it’d be important to share my story in the current state in hopes of finding peace and letting others out there riding the struggle bus with me… I feel you girl.
We’re coming up on a year since we pulled the goalie and it’s not as easy as I thought it be. I mean shit, I’m Mexican…we sneeze and we get pregnant. Don’t take offense people, I’m referring to pretty much everyone in my family. I guess I just kinda assumed it’d be easy for us and it’s NOT. In hindsight, I wish we would have started sooner.
Let’s start with why we started trying and that’s cause we’re old AF. Juuuust kidding, but we were really ready. We are so fortunate for the adventures we’ve had. From our travels together to the biggest adventure of all and that was moving to NYC. If we woke up tomorrow we’d never say, “I’ve always wanted to do that” or ” I wish I would have done that.” We did it and can say no ragrets, not even one little letter. Name that movie ;)Our first month trying I was almost 2 weeks late and kept thinking oh shit, Eric’s a one-hit-wonder. We ended up taking a pregnancy test and it came back negative. I was a little bummed at the time but didn’t expect too much out of it. I kept thinking of all these fun ways to tell my parents. I thought to myself, if we’re pregnant by Christmas I can put the baby’s ultrasound picture and hang it on the Christmas tree. Nope, no ornaments for us. Maybe, we can put the ultrasound picture in a Mother’s Day card, nope no cards for us.
At this point, I’ve been pretty active with the ovulation strips. Btw…F those strips, they are so damn confusing. Is that one line or two and why do my lines last so long? We’re taking my temperature and we’re tracking as best as we can in the Ovia app and sticking to the fertile window.
During the fertile window I keep thinking of Coach Mckay in Mighty Ducks 2 when she says, “we look tired, we need to switch places, change positions” and Charlie Conway responds, “oh say change it up! No scream it.” I wanna scream CHANGE IT UP! That pretty much sums up how we feel during that one fertile week on the month.
Don’t even get me started on period day…it sucks. The day when you get your period is so heartbreaking. I’ve cried in the bathrooms at time. Not to mention now that I’m not on birth control the cramps are excruciating. I didn’t even know how to spell excruciating because I’ve never used that word before, but that is what I’m in… excruciating pain.
So, what now? Great question. I’m trying to remain positive for myself and mostly for Eric. I keep telling myself, hey at least I can get drunk all summer in NYC and not be prego. That’s one way to look at it, right?
I think our next step is going to go get checked out by the doctors and make sure everything is a-okay with us. I mean…I don’t wanna keep having sex with my husband if I don’t have too. Just kidding, just kidding. Eric hates that joke and I always think it’s funny.
From here on out we’re saying F it! Whatever happens, happens. Let’s not stress and try to remain positive. Let’s stop “trying” and start having some F-ing fun (literally). If you’ve made it this far then thanks for taking this personal journey with me. I know this post is the most open I’ve ever been and I think it’s important for me to stay true to myself. I’m not a PC person and I don’t have a filter. I am struggling and I’m tired of trying! AND it’s okay to say that.